Sophistication, Elegance, and Expenses

Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash

Men may not ask you out on a first or second date because they feel they can’t afford you and may not continue to pursue you because they feel they can’t measure up.

What in the world does that mean?

In today’s society where many women have risen through corporate America and hold high paying jobs or started their own companies, they may not have a ‘need’ for a man to take care of her. Unfortunately, while she doesn’t need his income to maintain the style of living to which she has become accustomed, it can be emasculating to the man to evaluate her expensive tastes and realize that he just can’t keep up.

Some women talk about expensive taste because it helps them to weed out the men who CANNOT maintain their lifestyle, but others truly don’t know it’s even happening.

Have you been on a first date that seemed to go really well and then never got a call back? Suddenly you start questioning your ability to measure chemistry between yourself and another guy. It doesn’t seem to make sense that there were some sparks, you had the same interests, laughed at the same jokes but, still, no call back.

While you’re evaluating those dates, think about the comments you may have made about the drinks you enjoy (champagne?), the jewelry you wore (diamonds?), the names you dropped during the conversation or the places you’ve visited or vacationed. They may be interesting and fun stories, but they also indicate a lifestyle that may not be the same as his.

Maybe you don’t care that he’s an accountant at a large firm and satisfied with his current salary level because you’re looking for a companion who can meet other needs. You have the salary need met all on your own.

Now think about how that might feel to a guy who is used to being the one making more of the money (or most of the money) and how he is competing against your financial success.

Before dropping names, ordering expensive meals or drinks, or talking about your recent vacation at Vail, Colorado where you skied with the US Olympic team, you might want him to get to know you better. This kind of information is swallowed so much easier after he’s gotten to know the real you and can measure his discomfort against how much he really likes the real you.

On the flip side of this, you want to be careful when mentioning these things because you don’t want to end up with someone is after you solely for your money. It’s best to keep money and how much or little you spend out of the conversation until after you’ve gotten to know each other more.

Join me LIVE on Facebook every Monday through Friday as we discuss this further and get your questions answered! Also, if are a woman who would like help understand men better and you are curious about what is going on inside the Dynamic Women’s Tribe, come take a peek! Stay cool!

Do You Talk or Listen?

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One big complaint that guys have about us is that we do more talking than listening. While you might take offense by the comment, if it’s right it can be annoying and kill a relationship in no time flat.

Any of us, men or women, want to know that we are heard and understood. How can that happen if the other person is doing all the talking and none of the listening?

And, don’t mistake hearing for listening. Hearing is the action of getting the sound in your ears and maybe the information in your head. Listening means that you heard, understood, and processed the information into the conversation. When he says he hates cheese and you suggest Mexican food for dinner, it’s pretty obvious that you either aren’t familiar with Mexican cuisine or you didn’t listen to what he was saying.

Another part of listening is giving him time to speak. Don’t interrupt or talk over the top of him, even if he’s taking longer to say something than you think he should or you think what he’s saying is just totally wrong. He may not be right. He might be taking forever to get through his thought process. But, if you respect him and care about him, you’ll give him the time he needs.

We are all different. All men aren’t the same and all women aren’t the same. Some of us process things faster than others and it isn’t gender specific. And, as much as people like to think that women talk more than men, that information was based on faulty research. More recently researchers have found that we all speak about the same number of words per day. (1) But, women typically have a more vast vocabulary.

With great communication skills you can reduce most other problems in a relationship to dust. Great communication skills don’t start with knowing what to say but rather with how to listen. On our bodies, we have two eyes, two nostrils, two ears, and one mouth. The eyes help us to read body language. And, we should learn how to listen twice as much as we speak and speak only after we’ve considered what we are going to say.

As you work through your issues with listening and talking, it’s time to also think about being honest in your communication with your partner. Little lies soon turn into big lies. When those lies are exposed your partner begins to wonder if anything you’ve ever said can be trusted. It might be frightening, but close bonding will occur when you are each open, vulnerable, and honest with your guy.

He’ll be honored that your trusted him with your secrets and he’ll know that you heard him when you can relate your information to his past. Pay attention to his non-verbal communication or body language. A large percentage of what another person is thinking and feeling will be communicated through the way they stand, sit, and look (back to the having two eyes thing!).

Are his arms crossed, eyes averted, or his body turned away from you? At this same time, are you talking more than listening? Try asking questions without challenging him about his thoughts. Don’t say, “You look angry.” But instead, “What are you thinking?” and then wait for the answer. Don’t jump in. Let there be silence until he can answer.

Listen to what he’s saying and how he’s acting to be totally in touch with your conversation. You can’t always be this present. But, if you are never present in your conversations with him, he’s likely to bug out.

(1) University of Arizona: Study Finds No Difference in the Amount Men and Women Talk
https://ubrp.arizona.edu/study-finds-no-difference-in-the-amount-men-and-women-talk/

Join me LIVE on Facebook every Monday through Friday as we discuss this further and get your questions answered! Also, if are a woman who would like help understand men better and you are curious about what is going on inside the Dynamic Women’s Tribe, come take a peek! Stay cool!

How Fast Does He Run?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Both men and women can experience an unreasonable amount of anxiety that can eventually result in a fear of intimacy with another person and a phobia to commitment. Men seem to have a more difficult time dealing with this issue because they also are normally not chatty-Kathy’s nor do they like to share their feelings, fears, and anxieties with anyone else. This means that they are also less likely to seek professional help on their own.

While people who suffer from fear of commitment are not hopeless, unless you are ready to put in time, energy, and work, only to find that he isn’t the guy you thought he was or neither of you are pursuing the relationship any further, then it’s a good thing to be able to recognize the signs and bug out while the getting is good.

Men who fear intimacy will often appear to be quite the opposite at first. The very popular sitcom “Frasier” did an episode about a man who was charming, attentive, and loving, but he would run for cover the first time a woman told him she loved him. The sad part is that he was very lovable – or easy to fall in love with. He inadvertently set up woman after woman to fall for him and then– BAM! gone like the wind!

You can avoid confrontation with grief and sorrow if you can learn to identify the signs ahead of time and be open and honest with the man. Some men will have the signs of a guy who fears commitment, but won’t have the fear. It’s important that you look for the signs and then are also authentic with the guy. You shouldn’t make assumptions and dump him at the first sign that something might be wrong. You could be leaving one terrific guy.

Men who have trouble making a commitment to you can also have trouble making a commitment to a job. They may have a career that keeps them traveling and in different cities each week. Some men just like the adventure and others won’t commit to a geographical location.

Most men who don’t want to make a commitment don’t invite you back to their place, make last minute plans, and you won’t have met his friends. These could be signs that he’s married or that he fears intimacy, but in either case he isn’t available for a long term commitment.

Men who fear intimacy have learned strong social skills and will usually charm you immediately, but won’t be able to follow through. He’ll be attentive and loving toward you but when you begin to know him better you may notice parts of his personality that are less likable and desirable. Men who suffer from this fear may have experienced a trauma in their lives that left them unable to make strong emotional bonds and therefore they learned how to attach and detach quickly.

Men who have trouble with emotional intimacy will have a history of short relationships and often have not been married. They will give you the excuse that they haven’t met the right girl, have plenty of time to settle down or will find the right person “someday.” Because they want a relationship AND their freedom, they are attracted to strong independent women or long distance relationships.

These men may give you stories to justify not meeting his friends, coming to his apartment, or taking the relationship to the next level. When you threaten to leave they may promise to make changes, but they never do because they are emotionally unable to.

Don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for this guy who is suffering from this fear. Have an honest talk with them about the relationship moving too fast (if it is), about meeting friends, or moving the relationship to the next level. If he doesn’t come through on his promises, then it’s time to leave because, honestly, he isn’t committing because he can’t and just plain doesn’t want to.

And, until his life becomes so uncomfortable that he wants to change, he won’t make the effort to change. But, you really need to take a look at your own self and decide if HE is truly what/who you want in your life. Remember to do that. Ask yourself if you want him for him or because he’s difficult. If you think you want him for him, make a list of his good and bad qualities and proceed from there.

Join me LIVE on Facebook every Monday through Friday as we discuss this further and get your questions answered! Also, if are a woman who would like help understand men better and you are curious about what is going on inside the Dynamic Women’s Tribe, come take a peek! Stay cool!

Should You Only Focus on One Goal or Habit at a Time?

This is the fifth post in a series of five. You can find the fourth post here. Next Tuesday, we will start a new series: Taking Massive Action: How to Get Motivated, Avoid Procrastination, and Achieve Great Things.

Do you recall when multitasking was the theme of the day? Office managers and life coaches were touting the idea that working on several projects, tasks or responsibilities simultaneously helped you accomplish more in a shorter amount of time. On first impression, this seems to make sense.

There is a lot of time wasted during the course of a normal day. Stuck in that snail-pace traffic heading to work each morning, why not use a voice recorder to capture your thoughts on that new ad campaign presentation you have to give next week? You can simultaneously cook dinner while enjoying your weekly call to mom on speakerphone, as you check your Facebook feed and respond to emails.

It sounds like an infallible strategy for super-productivity, right?

As it turns out, it isn’t. Just the opposite usually happens. Instead of highly productive, you water down your efforts, and results. This happens because of the way the human brain works. It much prefers to focus all of its considerable abilities on 1 job at a time, rather than trying to process and handle multiple tasks at once.

This is why it is almost always a better idea to focus on one goal or habit-change at a time. There is even a handy acronym to help you remember this: F.O.C.U.S. That stands for “Follow One Course Until Successful.”

After multi-tasking became so popular that everyone was doing it, researchers began studying the results. Time and again, in clinical tests and “real world” studies, trying to accomplish several things at once led to drastically worse results than working tasks and chasing goals individually until the result you wanted was achieved.

Now you may say, what if you have a 10 year goal, 5 year goal and 1 year goal? Can’t you work on all of them at once? Well, you can, sort of, and still focus on one goal at a time. Marry your long term goals to your short term desires. Then, when you are exerting effort on shorter term results, you bolster your longer term success rate as well.

The human brain loves order and loves chasing goals. It is not, however, inclined, nor is it capable of, creating the best results when tackling several things at once. Take your goals on one at a time and you give yourself a greater level of productivity, as a well as a better chance at success.

Join me LIVE on Facebook every Monday through Friday as we discuss this further and get your questions answered! Also, if are a woman who would like help understand men better and you are curious about what is going on inside the Dynamic Women’s Tribe, come take a peek! Stay cool!

Conflict Rules: Keep it Simple Silly

When considering your rules about dealing with conflicts it’s time to KISS and make-up . . . or rather the principle of Keep It Simple Silly.

At some point in any relationship you’ll begin to experience conflict. It happens sometime after you discover that he or she isn’t perfect and before you want to throw the new Ginsu knifes at them.

Conflict happens because your expectations aren’t being met by the other person. We each come to relationships with certain expectations about what a person will or will not provide for us. Whether it’s a friendship or an emotionally intimate relationship – you have expectations. We all come with experiences from old relationships with other romantic partners, parents, siblings and friendships. This means that no two people will have the same expectations, think the same or want the same.

You might think that this is the time to bail out, but if you do you’ll only come to this point in your next relationship. What will your plans be . . . to bail on all your relationships when you get past the fun stuff? If you do, you’ll never have a successful long-term relationship.

Instead, it’s time to be transparent with your partner and talk about your expectations, your desires, your wishes and your needs. You can do this by remembering not to sweat the small stuff. Those little molehills can quickly turn into mountains if you let them. The toilet paper can go on two different ways, the toothpaste doesn’t have to be squeezed from the bottom and the underwear sometimes doesn’t make the laundry basket.

Do they share your opinions about truth, health, fitness, food, entertainment and ethics? These are things that take up more of your time and energy and where you both should be somewhat compatible. If you aren’t, it’s time to practice some acceptance. The other person is coming from a background completely different from yours. You can’t walk a mile in his shoes and he can’t walk in yours. In fact, if you wear high heels, you probably can’t walk a mile in your own shoes!

As you walk through this relationship thing, remember that you both want harmony and peace together. Neither one of you should want to argue or have discord. If either wants this, then it’s time to seek professional help. Otherwise, let’s remember to accept your partner, have patience and keep your eye on the big picture.

When you are having disagreements try to keep your attention on the behavior that you don’t agree with and not the person. In other words, don’t attack them and don’t bring up old problems and issues. Keep your attention on the current issue. If you haven’t gotten past an old argument, then choose another time to come to a compromise. One issue at a time, one disagreement at a time.

Never assume that you know exactly what the other person means. When we come with different experiences, we also have different perceptions about communication. Instead, clarify what they meant. Most of the time your significant other isn’t trying to deliberately hurt you, and if they are there are more problems than just the current disagreement.

Ask them, “I think you said XYZ. Is that what you meant?”

As you work through this disagreement, remember that your objective is to solve the issue and move forward. You should disagree, compromise and move on. Let’s not keep score of who wins and loses or you both lose.

Discuss how you are going to work through disagreements before you start having big ones. When you lay down specific rules, the resolution is easier and less painful.